My Life Goes On.......

I did not know how I got here. Even though my mother had told me still I could not make sense out of the fact that we had to change our house again and again. I barely saw my dad. He always seemed to be out of the house whenever I looked for him. I wanted him to be with me. To play with me. To listen to my stories and how I tried to make sense out of them. Make up stories out of the few words I knew. To laugh with me and be the princess that my mother always told me I was. Every house we went to, I saw the same pictures hanging from the wall. Staring down at me and enforcing the idea that the house we lived in was filled with love and memories. Not showing everyone the battle I fought everyday to be noticed by my mother. But I always failed at this battle. She never noticed me that I was special. She was never there for me. Since my birth, I had been under the care of a nanny who had tried to make me feel special. Every time I drew up a picture, she would appreciate me as if she meant it but she never did. I knew that she did not love me. She only did it for the money. Still I had this foolish need to be loved as a child and so I also played along with her.

The mornings were spent eating through the breakfast that my nanny used to make for me. Plain and tasteless toast and eggs. Preparing for school and then leaving for school. All along not seeing either my mom or dad. The highlight of the day was school. A place where I knew who I was and how I was suppose to interact with others. It seemed like an accomplishment to see how many friends I had manage to make at this school. Within all of them was my best friend. Her name was Shelly and it seemed that from the day we met, we were meant to be together. We both had both matching bands for each other which said “friends forever”. Maybe not forever, I always used to say, but maybe as long as possible. Every day we would meet each other in the morning and walk to school. It wasn’t anything that my mom ever certified of but she was not there every morning. We used to walk to school discussing stupid things like the new doll commercial or the homework that was given to us.

After school, I would return home and wash up before eating. The house would always seem empty whenever I would enter. No one to welcome me. Every time a hollow “hi” would greet me from the kitchen as I would enter. I would drag myself to my room and select a new dress from my dresser. Change and come downstairs for lunch. The table would be neatly set and I would find my nanny sitting in one of the chairs with a vacant one next to her. The table had six chairs but I was always surprised that all of them were never filled. Why were they all even there? I had never seen across the table seeing either my father or mother eating along with me. Shelly had invited me so many times over to her house for dinner. Her parents would always start discussing something as they would eat their meals. Sometimes they would end up fighting furiously over something. I would always smile to myself and justify my parents’ actions by comforting myself. Comforting myself that at least my parents never argued.

The evening was a time to occupy myself. Homework, playing with Shelly, or just wasting my time. I found something to do at evening time. The night was just a series of stories from the nanny before I could drift away and sleep. The next day the same events would unfold. My life would go on like this.